Tag Archive | walls

Nothing There…

20.08.2009

The point at which I put my pen(s) down and decide to take a break from my artwork production and information accumulation is the point at which I start to crack up.

The fact is, when I’m forced to ‘live’, when I’m not running the conveyor belt of my routine, I don’t actually like being alive – a matter that no kind of therapy or drug can make better. I am empty of the qualities that have kept humanity going, and I doubt anything can re-fill this emptiness.

I fear that the real me died long ago. I ruin all social occasions for myself, because I do not know how to act, enjoy, and I don’t know how to communicate with other people in the warm type of way I see others doing so often – so I end up grossly overstepping the mark in someway or another.

It is apparent that 10 years ago, when I began to build my perpetual walls, that I chose to turn myself into an automaton. Whilst others were learning – through trial and error – how to be human, I was walling in all my emotions so that I could be a more efficient ‘better’ person. All my misery in life is tied up in this decision I made in 1999 – voluntarily or involuntarily made.

It is a waste of time looking to get mental help, because there is no inner core left; just an illusion which keeps me dreaming of an happy past in which I loved fossiling, computer games and eating without the guilt of it – the illusion was proven when I tried to re-gain my old 8-bit computer games in 2003, in an attempt to re-gain old happiness and stem my drop in anorexia, and all that happened was that they too became part of my routine based disorder, and it became an obsessive task to search for them on market stalls.

However, the initial ‘searching’ to stem the anorexia only began when others around me started telling me I had a problem: In truth, my anorexic spell – when its obsessive routine was in full working order – was by no means my least happy period, in fact I barely experienced unhappiness with it, as I’d become such a brilliant automaton that I avoided all avenues of emotion and human contact at all cost. However, extreme weight loss inevitably brought great barriers to this misery-free routine.

The bad thing is, I sometimes wish that I was back in this routine. It was taking me nowhere, bit I didn’t care because I was so thin and(in my perception of what was good and bad in society) thin meant ‘good, perfect and innocent of all bad things in the world’ – so, in this state, I believed that nobody could pin any blame and weight on my shoulders. All this always eventually crumbled, but it was such a straight forward existence for one who has given themselves over to be an automaton, and misery doesn’t reach the pure automaton.

Being so skinny and ‘sexless’ means that one can hide from the eyes of the world and they too don’t have to look at the horrible world. One is ‘winning’ – being skinny is winning in a consumer society – they have become a prefect nothingness, which is free from the world’s problems. Some of the lyrics from the song ‘4st 7lb’ by The Manic Street Preachers (a song about the anorexia disorder) sum all this up: these lyrics are “I want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint” and “I am twiggy and I can’t see the horror that surrounds me”
In a sense, though it eventually destroys and kills one, being in an anorexic state makes one feel like an unborn; not being assigned to the living or dead worlds – a place from where nothing can touch and hurt you.

The kind of depression, which on rare occasions brings me to the brink, only started to occur when I began to come out of my main true spell of anorexia, and I started to try being part of the world again. This is a spell which runs from summer 2004 to the present, and at times I almost got where I wanted to be – I almost found my human side again. However, as soon as anything went wrong, my automaton side quickly stepped in the shield my weak emotions, and it took over again. I can never tell which one is in the right – inside of me – and because the automaton is stronger and more of a ‘quickfix’ to safety, I’ve stuck with it, whenever I’ve come into contact with a situation that my emotions aren’t developed enough to tackle.

However, this routine is now beginning to fall apart as I enter my 27th year, as it cannot serve a protruding adult life from which nobody can hide from forever.

I am realising that this obsessive routine based life can no longer be king, because it isn’t equipped to serve an adults’ life, but there is nothing else there, either, to let me be a human again – this has either rotted away inside, or it never grew in the first place.

Over the past 2 months I have felt more discontent and frustration than possibly any other time before this, and it’s now beginning to bubble up to the surface – if it’s either in punching walls and putting my head in my hands in public, or ranting at people, who I should be just talking to, on ‘nights out’. However, the things is; there is something inside of me telling me to be voyeuristic with this anger, maybe due to the fact that it’s the only emotion I seem to know how to express, and sometimes I want people to know just how messed up I am – the thing is, I cannot even explain why I want them to know!.

So, to last night: another night in which I went out and ended up feeling so much guilt and shame that I don’t want to do it again for some time – even though it is apparent that these places are some of the only places where I am going to meet people. I think I still do – well, at times – believe I can still have a human life with things like a relationship in it, but at moments such as this one – and I cannot stop thinking that this has already happened – I feel that there is nothing left inside of me for another human to share; and at these points the continuation of my life, now that my routine looks like it can no longer veneer over its cracks, seems pointless.

However, if you were to read this, you’d see me tomorrow and I’ll look fine – I’ll be speeding around, keeping ‘busy busy busy’ as for now my routine is still working to some degree – but you must remember that that me is not the me who is writing this now; the me who is writing this now, is the me who shows anger and mania as he lets his inhibitions down after 5 pints of cider, and just because he is drunk, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t me; that screwed up, only emotion anger me is the real me, not the automaton one, which you’d probably prefer to think of me as.

So, when somebody says to the real me ‘you need to be more positive’ you now know the reason why I can’t be. All that remains of the real me is anger and unhappiness at the realisation that that is nothing else left inside.
I want out, and I do still hope that one day I might have a woman and a more content existence, but I think I’ve made myself into a machine that has no use, once it can no longer perform its routine based duties. I don’t want this kind of ‘out’ but I do not know how to veer from its pathway.

Needing to find a way to soften the Barriers that prevent so much.

11.08.2009 (2)

Writing about myself, yet again, brings to mind ‘Internet exhibitionism’, coaxed out of us by Social networking sites, trying to get us to live out our lives like the constantly monitored celebrities  such as the likes of Jordan (uurggh) and the ‘guinea pigs’ on the reality shows. So, I will have to back this blog up with a strong (as strong as I can do) attack on the bastard celebrity culture of late capitalism, and what it’s done to all our own mental make-ups. However, for this message I have to delve into myself. I have to explain these workings, because they are running me into the ground – and this is no good.

I was hoping to let my hair down now, after a year in which I have put most of my time and energy into making my biggest art ideas to date. I am not a massive fan of what the festive period has become, but it does create a lot of good chances to meet up with people – something that is essential for me.

I place so much expectation and hope on situations where I will be seeing friends and associate friends, but it is almost all but proven that I make such a mess of these occasions, and I end up hiding away for some time again, and my life – the social side of my life – goes nowhere.

I tear myself to bits whilst in the company of other people; a mixture of discomfort and dissatisfaction, trying to make a break for a cure, which results in a messy attempt to receive instant gratification, but – on a closer look – is only for the purpose of my parasitic routine behavioural patterns. This side of me, the side which jolts out of me in social situations, conflicts with the non-social, and more true me, which desires to be meek, understanding and good. This conflict causes guilt and paranoia; this is the crazy self, that acts itself out when in the company of others.

The more people I know, who are in the room, the worse all of this is. Physically, I am not as bad as I used to be; this mixture of discomfort and desire doesn’t make me do physically daft things like climbing up drainpipes or diving about in pubs, as it used to. Now it is a verbal mania; ranting at people about ‘ME, ME ,ME’.

The thing is, the more time one spends on not trying focus on the ‘me me’ all the time, the more inevitable it is that ‘me me’ is only thing left in ones minds to talk about; couple this with a confidence problem and one create a self-perpetuating dislike for themselves, and this even starts to perpetuate one’s faults which were initially only there, on this scale, in one’s mind – exaggerated by paranoia.

The main problem with paranoia is that one can never tell how much of it is their heads and how much of it is real. There is something severely damaged and cocked up with the social side of me, and I’m sure this is apparent to all – even though people keep saying I’m a nice person? Am I?. Does the fear of being the next Hitler, or any other lunatic tyrant, bubble up in all extremely discontent individuals, especially when they show signs of it in public places, snarling, fist clenching in room corners??

I am a deeply frustrated individual, and I am frustrated about my frustrated state. Because I look at my piers – when in my remaining interactions with them – and they seem to be, more or less, OK, Calm, Cool in ‘going out’ situations. They don’t need to be constantly ‘bobbing up and down’, jumping from pub to pub, person to person, in search of some elusive cure to their discontent – I do!

The result is’ they are getting on with their lives, so what if it is in a more orthodox manner, than that I proclaim is my chosen root, because what they have, is something I still wish for, somewhere amongst this tangle up mess of feelings and messed up notions of ‘how to be’ in the World.

Of course, just because I am am extreme person, it doesn’t mean I am a ‘Evil’ person, or even a fundamentally ‘bad’ person. However, this ‘persona hypochondria’ fear remains; and, from time to time, informs me that I am ‘a bad person’ or an ‘cold, heartless person’; Be it through my egotistical artist ambitions, my extreme rantings, or my severe frustration, which – through the aid of cinema and television – are personality traits closely associated the likes of Fascist leaders.

As much as this fear troubles me, I know I would never become such a person. However, I could become an extremist and extremely socially repellent person – ranting away in pubs and on buses. I hope this doesn’t become my future, because there still is some room to bring back the real human in me (sorry I’m going to have to bring climate change into my rants again) but it is fast being squeezed out by my unceasing, and unwanted, focus on the seriousness of our (humankind’s) situation upon the earth in the 21st century.

I do not want to be sucked into the whirlpool which makes me an extremist ranter, but Ive too many barriers accompanied by hang ups to let another human being into my life. You see, I’m only frustrated and angry, when my inhibitions are down – when I’m either drunk or very tired. This is obvious really: these are the points when the barriers, Ive put up around me – ‘my routine’ of which art and the quest for information have turned out to be the bastard rulers of – are at their most ‘flimsy’.

The last few nights out I have been becoming much more frustrated than usual – barring one night, when a group of females, seemingly ‘happy with life’ were spending their evening talking to me and mt friend (a rarity, but a good rarity)- and I have been storming off out of bars for no apparent reason, smashing my phone up, punching walls; all the hallmarks of my, presumed lost, idiot side, on view to the world.

27.05.2009Thankfully, my anger is always directed Inwards – this isn’t good either, but at least I don’t aim it at others, hopefully never will. You see, even when I’m in this kind of state, there is still a strong rationality speaking within me, but the frustration and self hatred are, at this point, too hard to keep at bay. Self hatred is apparent when one no longer wants, but actually feels compelled to attack and hurt their own flesh with whatever object is nearest.

I never felt it voyeuristic or have been too shy, to explain my disorders and self hate, because I am almost completely convinced that they are merely symptoms of the larger collective human condition due to living in an industrialised society, and especially an advanced consumer capitalist one. No system could has isolated the individual as much as consumer capitalism, no system has separated us from our true understanding ourselves, and of our surrounding environment, as much as consumer capitalism.

Symptoms can act themselves out, in the form graffiti and vandalism – making one’s mark in a world they feel like ‘nothings’ in – or, equally, they can be acted out in self-despising, self harm or suicide, due to a loss of happiness and place, and with no firm idea of why. self harm, can be a symbolic act, to make others aware of the fact, that ‘I am here, and I am feeling pain’.

Returning to the faults in my attempts to socialise on recent nights out: It is very apparent how Politicized I have become over the past year and a bit. However, this cannot be helped as, as I always say, I believe that living in this consumer capitalist society as caused me considerable mental damage and, in turn, likely future physical problems. I hate this system intensely, and I have good reason to, bearing in mind on how I feel it has made a ‘cripple’ of the man I could have been, and I am not talking about ‘having a better career’ or ‘being more a man’s man’. I am talking about being not mentally constructed well enough so to have ‘happiness, ‘good health’ and even a girlfriend.

I am naturally not suited to this system, because it likes ‘suckers’ like me too much. In fact it liked me so much, it has given me my own ‘boom and bust’ personality! so I too can be constantly up and down like a roller coaster, only to suddenly lapse into a depression. Nevertheless, I try telling people all this, and I end up hating myself even more and escalating this whole issue of paranoia and self dislike.

I claim to myself that I just want people to like me, but in the company of others, in reality, it becomes ‘untrue’; my ‘Consumerist’ implanted personality is intent on making others see me as “a genius!” or “a great person!” and then, when nobody is around again, I just want to be simply ‘liked’ again and I want that company back, and then when that company comes again, I become all “me, me, me!” again (that nutter) and then my self hatred grows again, I spend a few days in the doldrums again, then I pull myself out of it again, by getting into my ‘routines’ and starting this crappy process off again!.

I CAN’T GET OUT! I never wanted this! These barriers, there’s compulsively made art works, these searchings for greater knowledge, I wish they’d go away now; I just want to have a go at being a human being now.


PART 2

Because my barriers don;t let much emotion in, except the emotion of fear, other emotions take a while to be ‘confirmed’ as safe to enter, and they slowing seep in. This is one part of the reason why I cannot let anybody in who appears to quite like me, until it is too late, and the opportunity is missed.

The thing is, these emotions, once they get inside, stay there for a long time, and I find myself still yearning for those certain people, well after the opportunity (I prefer the term ‘situation’)has passed in normal human relationship time.
I’ve no doubt that these people couldn’t care less anymore, but because my tight mental barriers incubate these emotions, I’m more likely to be still thinking/dreaming of these, now long gone, relationship chances, (I’m doing this now!, all the time, adding emphasis to everything I do, but this is besides my point) whilst missing new opportunities (if they come along) now, as my fears block the openings, and then, obviously, the ‘new’ opportunity manages to penetrate the barriers, and also begins to incubated, whilst, yet again, the real chance has long gone away.

This goes some way to explaining why I was so frustrated on these recent ‘night out’ occasions; as on two of the occasions, 2 of the girls who Ive got bits of incubated emotion still foolishly residing behind these barriers, were out too.
I was very drunk both times, so my barriers were weaker than they probably have been ofr a while, and I couldn’t get into conversations with them – mainly because they were talking to different people, weren’t generally interested in talking to me, because they’ve naturally moved on long ago, like emotional normal people do – and anyway (though this may be my Paranoia talking) they probably were all too aware of what a ‘reckless’ socialiser I had been, and were wisely keeping their distance.

10.07.2009

So, I got frustrated and self hating, because – as I have said – I’ve still enough logic to realise that these my own faults, no one else’s, and so I stormed out and, on one occasion, started punching walls until I had noticeable blood stains on my hands. I’m sure I do this, to make a visible symbol of the ‘screwed-up-ness’ of my mind.

This is my paranoia talking again “I’m just worried that I may have been staring at them and other people, and acting in other weird ways. These kind of weirdos are the ones which society really does hate!!”

As far as I can see, I really am in a situation where things will only deteriorate, not get better, but Ive always found the paths to the accumulation of more problems easier to follow, than the ones out of these barriers – in fact, Ive never even seen one of these paths.

I have put more of my time and energy into this year, 2009, than in any other year, but it was all for the aide of my artwork. There for, at this moment, I despise all this work, because It has me, but I have nothing.

08.07.2009 (3)

21.06.2009 (2)