Tag Archive | the wall

Entombed in Self-Centredness

22.2.09

Being entombed in your own self-centeredness is not at all pleasurable, believe me. It’s a lonely prison cell, where the pass-code for exit is constantly altered, vapourising escape plans.

But the likelihood is, if you’re a decade or so younger than I, you know exactly what I mean already. I can’t be sure I’m right here, but scrolling the Tumblr and Pinterest profiles, it seems that society has produced a 18-24 age group, who a large proportion of seem locked in these aspiration-cum-desperation cells. Poor bastards – that’s how I feel about most of those ten year younger than me.

The cell is like a snow-globe, settled, shook up, settled, and shook up again; as the rebounded echoes of one’s hopes and desires are energised in a tightly sealed space, only for inevitable exhaustion by the inability for this energy to escape and materialise into anything (except art – “everyone’s an artist nowadays!”), and everything settles down into the same inert, cold, dead space; enducing the wasteland of depression.

But I feel wrong even ascribing a wider-social context to this condition. Maybe it feels wrong because at the times I find myself aware of my self-entombment, I am usually feeling at my most alone, alienated, and possessing a freakish, weirdo mind, and thus feeling immense shame. “What a fool I am thinking others are like this – I’m such a screwed up weirdo” (and then the lyrics from Just, by Radiohead, “you do it to yourself, you and no-one else” start pouring into my mind; chit chattering as a fluid of fatalist failure ferments all thought).

Why is shame felt? Why when ‘the downer’ catches you out in the middle of the day, in the middle of town, why is it shame that seems to hang from the flesh, making you feel as exposed as if you were naked?” It may sound ironic but when you’re entombed in self-centeredness you can’t actually locate a self. I don’t mean here, or believe in, the idea of a core person-hood that stays unaltered from birth to death; but I do mean at least a core security construction within a person that they can rely on.

For those entombed in self-centeredness there is nothing to rely on, no place of safety to rest in, when one’s person is attacked or thrown into a disorientating situation. Such a sense of self actually comes from interacting with and feeling part of the world; a secure self comes from that self being able to be porous to all that surrounds it – saturated by it at times.

The entombed self-centered person is envious when they see people touching, hugging, interacting, doing, and building things, seemingly without thought. He/she’s thoughts are always over-thoughts, unnecessarily rebounded contemplations of things that he/she is sure others don’t even contemplate. He/she retreats into depressive-pleasure-seeking every day instead, and the nihilist-pleasure compound of late capitalism yet again seems like the only world, and one he/she increasingly depends on when the external world looks more fucked up by the day. The only solution seems to be to share the burden – but the cell walls seem to respond like vinamold around attempts to escape them. He/she wished they could build something, join hands and build something. But art is the only thing the entombed self-centered person can produce; cave paintings, mere images of the world, painted within the cell.

Is this a externally-enduced condition that has then freed itself from it’s causation, only leaving the atomised self to answer for problems that arise? Well, surely under a dominant belief system that negates society for the individual when it comes down to success, achievement, wealth, well surely the opposite (perceived shortcomings) cannot help but becoming the individual’s burden?

Personally speaking, I have found myself caught between academia and personal experience, and find myself merely hoping my personalised analysis is somehow spotted and incorporated by one of the professionals into their own theoretical discourse – X Factor society or what?! (see here). I have found myself within a constructed reality that is way beyond comprehension for me (just hoping the theorists I quote can pick my unseen blogging-batton up). It is certainly a political issue, but explaining this to friends/family (to anyone) when the shit hits the fan (mentally) – as it is clearly doing right now – has proven unsuccesful so far. Where do I go from here?

Globalsapiens – a virtual tour

This was an exhibition buzzing with ideas. Hopefully will get to return to some of them again one day.
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GLOBALSAPIENS

Globalsapiens: an introduction to Parallel Paranoia, Humans In Cages and Silently Chained – the respective alternate names for artistic collective Mikk Murray, John Ledger and Jade Morris. Each artist has, at some point in life, stumbled across these titles and found them poetically fitting descriptions of their own predicament as young adults in the 21st century: tied to lifestyles that they know are destructive to the planet and most often self-destructive; struggling forwards from this, trying to find cracks in a hegemonic social landscape that drags humans toward an ultimate battle with nature that we are certain to lose.

Thus this show cannot be a means to an end for Globalsapiens: it has to be the start not the end; one of many ‘atoms for peace’, clustering together, always growing never standing still, until their shout is big enough to make one final stand against a world ruled by money. This exhibition aims to resonate with all those who care but feel trapped and helpless to make a change, and possibly then inspire them to believe that they need not feel trapped and helpless.

WHY GLOBALSAPIEN?

As a society, our actions, our expressions, our reactions, all show signs that we are aware of living in end times. Make no bones about it; no matter how much we talk about getting married, getting a house, settling down, we reek of a dying civilisation.

This exhaustion of everything in our merry-go-round swap between being the exploiter to the exploited has to end. Nobody can predict what ‘end’ we can expect, but we can guess what the prolongation of this current manmade nightmare will lead to. But we can also guess and hope; to hope that “surely this can’t be the end of the human story just yet…!” Grim resignation is dangerous; hope generates possibilities – but hope is sometimes hard for one to maintain.

Globalsapiens are artist’s who are desperately trying to find a way forward into a future worth living in. Our instinct is to express – we may not be the most pragmatic/practical people, but our contribution is a desperate attempt to realise a new way of living for the sake of the human race (sound self righteous? No: all species battle to maintain their existence). The time is right. Artists have no future in this old world, they must end their post idealist malaise/capitulation to the business mentality and join the cause to act now to make a future worth living in.

We felt aligned by a feeling that our artwork seems too driven, and too realmerely to be for exhibitions only – which often seem to just castrate it and make it nothing but mere consumer spectacle. This is a pressing concern that is played out within the show: we know that this is all our works may be, but we are still often driven by a powerful dream-boat of blind optimism that refers to the opposite, and seems to be generated by the ideological coding of the very system we are trying to help unwire. We want to help pave a way out of this bleak place our species (and the planet it has dragged down with it) has stumbled into, but we too often get too trapped in our minds to be/or do anything but what the system would happily have us be/doing – what keeps it thriving off human day-dreams and desires.

Nobody is in any place to preach. To resonate with others to generate in others. To alienate is to disintegrate. Let’s take the No Them, Only Us belief seriously again.

Human beings offer fundamentally special qualities to life on planet earth, and wherever else life may flourish. However, we are not better than the rest of life; if we were better we wouldn’t need it; but strip the life away from under our feet and we’d be dead before you could say the words ‘Easter Island’. Nevertheless, this is what out species is currently doing. But to say that we are a species of existential contradictions is to give up without even trying, and to let the idea of perpetual profiteering drag our eyes to the grey floor, where we watch our feet take one step at a time, in a potentially lethal small-world view. This exhibition wishes to contribute to the voices of reason in this time of collective insanity.

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Inside Humans In Cages’ isolated cell

Humans In Cages is feeling a little trapped, and without a vision of the future at present.”“The weekly ASDA shop likes this”

“The capitalist system still advances across the face of the planet, destroying the world that we depend on to survive, and pressing the boot further and further into our faces, as freedom/democracy become obstacles stood in the way which must also be destroyed. But here I languish; informed but passive; not knowing which foot to put in front of the other; so letting faint hopes of something better do the walking for me.

Here in my cell there will constantly remain the doubt that my artworks/artist shows may end up as nothing more than self-profiling within the capitalist dictatorship of individualism; the fetishisation of the self in the forced-competition of status advancement, based on the ultimatum of prosperity and a terror of failure. Thus, everything I have done within my isolated little world sometimes feels so counterproductive: that the truth may be that I am simply bolstering the realism of a system my work fundamentally opposes in its messages, by seeking recognition, and respect from it, for my individual endeavours.

 The cell contains the informed but passive self, critical but tangled in a knot of unwillingness and inability to step out of the capitalist version of reality. Most of the time I see no light at the end of the tunnel, and it has been said by many contemporary thinkers that ‘it is easier to imagine the end of the world than it is the end of capitalism’. But, now and again, there is a glimmer of something outside the cell; a crack through the screen of this ever-deteriorating normality.
 
Outside the cell, you will find traces of both what once was but was sectioned and boxed away, and what still just might have a possibility of re-emerging. A creativity that has no means to an end, but is perpetual/part of something moving. Even the creation of the videos in this exhibition reminded me of the act of being healthily spontaneously creative before the pressures of business objectives, and wage necessities in the latter and post-education years constrained me to (if I’m not careful) an ever-tightening ‘specialisation’, which could be described as an alienated endeavour, with the opinion of how the world will rate me amongst others always harpooning genuine concerns in my mind.
 
But this is only one side of the truth. The other side being that making these art works has been the most accessible and direct way of expressing concerns and wants for something massively more than just a hand up the status ladder, for years now, and is, actually possibly the only bringer of confidence to my self which has allowed this voice to be heard at all in the first place. It is the most accessible and direct way of expressing them. So, as well as this critical distance to the possible futility of making works for show in a late capitalist society, I still have hope that the messages in them can help change things, if not, I lose my only present voice.

I’ll do my best, but it’s hard trying to stop an exhibition become a means to an end from whereworking towards one final goal, (as anyone who as put on a major show will resonate with) leads to anti-climax, depression and a defeated-slump straight back into the realism of capitalism – to start right back at the beginning, but with less time than before.”

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Achieving And Getting Things Done (installation)

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I Want None of This (2147x4000)

Inside Silently Chained’s isolated cell

They all smiled gingerly and meekly.
Had they simply forgotten, or had they never known anyway? I guess it is neither.
They’re neither alive nor gone.
Not until the hour of the moon crosses the path of the sun.
Then they will know, and they will realise, what they had known all along.
But for now, it is too late. Too late. Too late?

Inside Parallel Paranoia’s isolated cell

This painting (above) is from a series of works called Where have all the bees gone? Where a parallel universe was created to highlight the importance of bees to the ecosystem and our food supply. Without the bees that pollinate roughly a third of our food crops there would be less food around. The chain reaction could be devastating to the human race and all life on Earth. The disappearance and death of bees or Colony Collapse Dissorder (CCD) as it is somethimes known is puzzling scientists and researchers still with mites and pesticides being the main concerns.

In the parallel universe the bees have been lured into a lab by a mad scientist and experiments have taken place. For some reason the scientist becomes psychically connect to the bees and finds they will do as he wishes. The scientist sets about creating his own Utopian vision. Using the soldier bees to hold the planet under siege and turn things around. Food, shelter and equality for all. Harmony with all living creatures and the landscape the ultimate goal. Organic produce, waste reduction, ocean cleanups, knowledge and wisdom passed on to all. The trouble was the scientist did such a great job that he became some sort of a celebrity. A leader and ultimately was devoured by power and greed. Alan is a dog and he spends most of his time walking around in his horse suit. Alan is the mad scientist’s best friend. The horse suit is an extension of Alan and his status/power and also the scientist’s eccentricity. The portrait of Alan was painted by Mikk for the Scientist in 2027. “I didn’t have a choice!” he said.

Outside the cells. What’s happening out here?

Many of our endeavours are maintained by reliance on oil. Many of our endeavours are purely narcissistic – taught by the system to be so. Reflecting on this can sometimes make one see their own ‘achievements’ in a very different light. And is it really that precious? (this piece was once used in a Seawhite Of Brighton arts suppliers brochure, not black gooey paint, with a look of oil about it, drips down it).

Parallel Paranioa is in the process of filling up a paddling pool with needless consumer plastic waste. In another water filled area (The Pacific Ocean) a floating island of plastic trash twice the size of Texas is currently existing.

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Pandemic-Sheffield! Plague breaks out!!!

Note from self outside the cell to self inside the cell…

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The Bretton Woods conference 2011
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In the summer of 1944 delegates from 44 countries met in the midst of World War 2 to reshape the world’s financial system. The location of the meeting – in rural Bretton Woods, New Hampshire, USA – was designed to ensure that the delegates would have no distractions, and no pressure from lobbyists or congressmen, as they worked on their plans for post-war reconstruction. The New Hampshire Bretton Woods is part of a land grant made in 1772 by royal governor John Wentworth, which he named after his ancestral home (West) Bretton, in Yorkshire, England.

In the summer of 2011, Globalsapiens met in the midst of a global meltdown (financially, environmentally and socially) to throw around their own ideas of making a better world, with changes being needed now more than ever – A HUGE ALTERATION IS NEEDED. The location of the meeting – In rural Bretton woods in West Bretton, Yorkshire, England – is a symbolic gesture: the USA Bretton woods conference reshaped the world after the war, to prevent the problems (financial crisis’s for example) which led to the war; shaping the world for the past 60+ years, and beginning global capitalism as we know it today.

We need a Bretton woods conference now! Not to reinstate capitalism but to figure out how we can move beyond it. The sources of power whom we would usually assign these tasks to have gone insane; a systemic press-ganging on anything which tries to halt the forces of big business – which leaves this conference to people assumed-powerless like us (Globalsapiens). In this mock-version of an all-important conference, we will speak about, and demand a better world; suggesting, through the thoughts and words they never speak, both what these all-important meetings should really be about, and also emphasising what is more important; assigning the decision making to the assumed-powerless.

(clip from video)
Waking up and staying awake has never been easy….
dead end…

what next?…………

Needing to find a way to soften the Barriers that prevent so much.

11.08.2009 (2)

Writing about myself, yet again, brings to mind ‘Internet exhibitionism’, coaxed out of us by Social networking sites, trying to get us to live out our lives like the constantly monitored celebrities  such as the likes of Jordan (uurggh) and the ‘guinea pigs’ on the reality shows. So, I will have to back this blog up with a strong (as strong as I can do) attack on the bastard celebrity culture of late capitalism, and what it’s done to all our own mental make-ups. However, for this message I have to delve into myself. I have to explain these workings, because they are running me into the ground – and this is no good.

I was hoping to let my hair down now, after a year in which I have put most of my time and energy into making my biggest art ideas to date. I am not a massive fan of what the festive period has become, but it does create a lot of good chances to meet up with people – something that is essential for me.

I place so much expectation and hope on situations where I will be seeing friends and associate friends, but it is almost all but proven that I make such a mess of these occasions, and I end up hiding away for some time again, and my life – the social side of my life – goes nowhere.

I tear myself to bits whilst in the company of other people; a mixture of discomfort and dissatisfaction, trying to make a break for a cure, which results in a messy attempt to receive instant gratification, but – on a closer look – is only for the purpose of my parasitic routine behavioural patterns. This side of me, the side which jolts out of me in social situations, conflicts with the non-social, and more true me, which desires to be meek, understanding and good. This conflict causes guilt and paranoia; this is the crazy self, that acts itself out when in the company of others.

The more people I know, who are in the room, the worse all of this is. Physically, I am not as bad as I used to be; this mixture of discomfort and desire doesn’t make me do physically daft things like climbing up drainpipes or diving about in pubs, as it used to. Now it is a verbal mania; ranting at people about ‘ME, ME ,ME’.

The thing is, the more time one spends on not trying focus on the ‘me me’ all the time, the more inevitable it is that ‘me me’ is only thing left in ones minds to talk about; couple this with a confidence problem and one create a self-perpetuating dislike for themselves, and this even starts to perpetuate one’s faults which were initially only there, on this scale, in one’s mind – exaggerated by paranoia.

The main problem with paranoia is that one can never tell how much of it is their heads and how much of it is real. There is something severely damaged and cocked up with the social side of me, and I’m sure this is apparent to all – even though people keep saying I’m a nice person? Am I?. Does the fear of being the next Hitler, or any other lunatic tyrant, bubble up in all extremely discontent individuals, especially when they show signs of it in public places, snarling, fist clenching in room corners??

I am a deeply frustrated individual, and I am frustrated about my frustrated state. Because I look at my piers – when in my remaining interactions with them – and they seem to be, more or less, OK, Calm, Cool in ‘going out’ situations. They don’t need to be constantly ‘bobbing up and down’, jumping from pub to pub, person to person, in search of some elusive cure to their discontent – I do!

The result is’ they are getting on with their lives, so what if it is in a more orthodox manner, than that I proclaim is my chosen root, because what they have, is something I still wish for, somewhere amongst this tangle up mess of feelings and messed up notions of ‘how to be’ in the World.

Of course, just because I am am extreme person, it doesn’t mean I am a ‘Evil’ person, or even a fundamentally ‘bad’ person. However, this ‘persona hypochondria’ fear remains; and, from time to time, informs me that I am ‘a bad person’ or an ‘cold, heartless person’; Be it through my egotistical artist ambitions, my extreme rantings, or my severe frustration, which – through the aid of cinema and television – are personality traits closely associated the likes of Fascist leaders.

As much as this fear troubles me, I know I would never become such a person. However, I could become an extremist and extremely socially repellent person – ranting away in pubs and on buses. I hope this doesn’t become my future, because there still is some room to bring back the real human in me (sorry I’m going to have to bring climate change into my rants again) but it is fast being squeezed out by my unceasing, and unwanted, focus on the seriousness of our (humankind’s) situation upon the earth in the 21st century.

I do not want to be sucked into the whirlpool which makes me an extremist ranter, but Ive too many barriers accompanied by hang ups to let another human being into my life. You see, I’m only frustrated and angry, when my inhibitions are down – when I’m either drunk or very tired. This is obvious really: these are the points when the barriers, Ive put up around me – ‘my routine’ of which art and the quest for information have turned out to be the bastard rulers of – are at their most ‘flimsy’.

The last few nights out I have been becoming much more frustrated than usual – barring one night, when a group of females, seemingly ‘happy with life’ were spending their evening talking to me and mt friend (a rarity, but a good rarity)- and I have been storming off out of bars for no apparent reason, smashing my phone up, punching walls; all the hallmarks of my, presumed lost, idiot side, on view to the world.

27.05.2009Thankfully, my anger is always directed Inwards – this isn’t good either, but at least I don’t aim it at others, hopefully never will. You see, even when I’m in this kind of state, there is still a strong rationality speaking within me, but the frustration and self hatred are, at this point, too hard to keep at bay. Self hatred is apparent when one no longer wants, but actually feels compelled to attack and hurt their own flesh with whatever object is nearest.

I never felt it voyeuristic or have been too shy, to explain my disorders and self hate, because I am almost completely convinced that they are merely symptoms of the larger collective human condition due to living in an industrialised society, and especially an advanced consumer capitalist one. No system could has isolated the individual as much as consumer capitalism, no system has separated us from our true understanding ourselves, and of our surrounding environment, as much as consumer capitalism.

Symptoms can act themselves out, in the form graffiti and vandalism – making one’s mark in a world they feel like ‘nothings’ in – or, equally, they can be acted out in self-despising, self harm or suicide, due to a loss of happiness and place, and with no firm idea of why. self harm, can be a symbolic act, to make others aware of the fact, that ‘I am here, and I am feeling pain’.

Returning to the faults in my attempts to socialise on recent nights out: It is very apparent how Politicized I have become over the past year and a bit. However, this cannot be helped as, as I always say, I believe that living in this consumer capitalist society as caused me considerable mental damage and, in turn, likely future physical problems. I hate this system intensely, and I have good reason to, bearing in mind on how I feel it has made a ‘cripple’ of the man I could have been, and I am not talking about ‘having a better career’ or ‘being more a man’s man’. I am talking about being not mentally constructed well enough so to have ‘happiness, ‘good health’ and even a girlfriend.

I am naturally not suited to this system, because it likes ‘suckers’ like me too much. In fact it liked me so much, it has given me my own ‘boom and bust’ personality! so I too can be constantly up and down like a roller coaster, only to suddenly lapse into a depression. Nevertheless, I try telling people all this, and I end up hating myself even more and escalating this whole issue of paranoia and self dislike.

I claim to myself that I just want people to like me, but in the company of others, in reality, it becomes ‘untrue’; my ‘Consumerist’ implanted personality is intent on making others see me as “a genius!” or “a great person!” and then, when nobody is around again, I just want to be simply ‘liked’ again and I want that company back, and then when that company comes again, I become all “me, me, me!” again (that nutter) and then my self hatred grows again, I spend a few days in the doldrums again, then I pull myself out of it again, by getting into my ‘routines’ and starting this crappy process off again!.

I CAN’T GET OUT! I never wanted this! These barriers, there’s compulsively made art works, these searchings for greater knowledge, I wish they’d go away now; I just want to have a go at being a human being now.


PART 2

Because my barriers don;t let much emotion in, except the emotion of fear, other emotions take a while to be ‘confirmed’ as safe to enter, and they slowing seep in. This is one part of the reason why I cannot let anybody in who appears to quite like me, until it is too late, and the opportunity is missed.

The thing is, these emotions, once they get inside, stay there for a long time, and I find myself still yearning for those certain people, well after the opportunity (I prefer the term ‘situation’)has passed in normal human relationship time.
I’ve no doubt that these people couldn’t care less anymore, but because my tight mental barriers incubate these emotions, I’m more likely to be still thinking/dreaming of these, now long gone, relationship chances, (I’m doing this now!, all the time, adding emphasis to everything I do, but this is besides my point) whilst missing new opportunities (if they come along) now, as my fears block the openings, and then, obviously, the ‘new’ opportunity manages to penetrate the barriers, and also begins to incubated, whilst, yet again, the real chance has long gone away.

This goes some way to explaining why I was so frustrated on these recent ‘night out’ occasions; as on two of the occasions, 2 of the girls who Ive got bits of incubated emotion still foolishly residing behind these barriers, were out too.
I was very drunk both times, so my barriers were weaker than they probably have been ofr a while, and I couldn’t get into conversations with them – mainly because they were talking to different people, weren’t generally interested in talking to me, because they’ve naturally moved on long ago, like emotional normal people do – and anyway (though this may be my Paranoia talking) they probably were all too aware of what a ‘reckless’ socialiser I had been, and were wisely keeping their distance.

10.07.2009

So, I got frustrated and self hating, because – as I have said – I’ve still enough logic to realise that these my own faults, no one else’s, and so I stormed out and, on one occasion, started punching walls until I had noticeable blood stains on my hands. I’m sure I do this, to make a visible symbol of the ‘screwed-up-ness’ of my mind.

This is my paranoia talking again “I’m just worried that I may have been staring at them and other people, and acting in other weird ways. These kind of weirdos are the ones which society really does hate!!”

As far as I can see, I really am in a situation where things will only deteriorate, not get better, but Ive always found the paths to the accumulation of more problems easier to follow, than the ones out of these barriers – in fact, Ive never even seen one of these paths.

I have put more of my time and energy into this year, 2009, than in any other year, but it was all for the aide of my artwork. There for, at this moment, I despise all this work, because It has me, but I have nothing.

08.07.2009 (3)

Sat down in Leeds, near train station

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The terminal fate of the urban population is totalitarianism – It has to be be, and probably has been since the start of the industrial revolution. To realise that we (humans) have become like termites – slaves, acting for the benefit of the super organism, a completely unnatural way for humans to exist – is a necessity when one is finding modern life stressful and pointless, yet cannot figure out why.
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I am in the Yorkshire Metropolis -Leeds- again. This place has become the beating heart of Yorkshire, whether we like it or not. Looking down from a footbridge in the city, at all the cars and work vans hurrying in and out of the centre, one realises how little choice people have in succumbing to the emerging urban organism, caused by industrialisation.
We, 21st century citizens of a nation which as been industialised for nearly 200 years, can have no idea of what another kind of life – one of a small pack like existence – could be like. Yet, many of us have a feeling that something is still wrong. We look at the people who are seemingly OK living in the urban world, and who seem to be reaping the benefits of it, and we wonder “why am I not happy like them? I want to be like them”. Yet we never can be like them, unless we become so unwell, that we reach an utterly unnatural state of accepting this modern world, something which these other people must have unconsciously done at a younger age.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

index

Against Generalising and Generalisors, and IN Favour of ‘THE THE

When I need self re-assurance that ‘it is OK’ to listen to the same music CD over and over again – in this instance, the music by 1980’s band ‘The The’ – I get the rhetoric’s of others, seemingly ‘wiser’ and more ‘sensible’ than me, about the band
Someone I know, who was a teenager when The The were releasing their material, now only to become one of what I would class as ‘one of Thatchers children’ – endemically business and materialist minded, with liberal views which have no depth and are quite phoney (though I still do like this person) – said of The The “H’mmm it was certainly ‘angry young man’ music!”
In the presence of these people, because of their material superiority (which is possibly sub-conscious) I still bow down to them, and accept their opinions as above mine, and I suppose in flat text it is true that The The’s music was angry and written by a young man (Matt Johnson). However, the generalizing music as ‘Angry young man’ music’, a long side the commonly used ‘Teenage Angst music’ shows that perhaps an common ‘adult’ mindset that is certainly patronizing, but more than anything an indication of acceptance of what one has been told to think by a societies ideology.
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There is nothing I find more frustrating, than when people generalise passionate forms of art in this way, as if now they are grown up with a house and job, these feelings a merely ‘child’s play’. It is an indication that they are ceased to care about what is happening in the world, now that they have joined the established pathways, such as that of making good money.
They have become Blind. They have forgotten what they may once have felt, as they, whilst networking (thought it is called socialising) ‘Veneer’ over each others’ insecurities, by lying and saying that “everything is great!” and “you look fabulous, you are fabulous!”. The falsity of the liberalism, is very dissolutioning to one who actually wants to see a better world. The way this person labelled The The as ‘angry young man music’ gave the impression that “oh, that was just a phase we all go through when we are young!” I think a lot of people who reach a certain age use this idea of a past youthhood riddled with angsty, to deny the real problems of the earth and themselves, in their now older state.
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This seems to be the homogenized world of the 30-50 something’s British middle class. ‘Thatcher’s children’ – as they are rightly named – have a lot to answer for. They have become the thick hedge protecting the system, spouting lush looking but utter tasteless fruits. I don’t think I can ever be part of this class, and I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point when I see The The as ‘angry young man music’: Matt Johnson wrote some brilliantly inciteful lyrics, especially those of ‘Infected’ which was a reaction to the beginning of Thactherism. These lyrics should be taken seriously and not put into a ‘angst’ category, once one feels that them kind of emotions are no longer acceptable within their social circles.
When one has just left their working environment, including the colleagues one works with, one feels the urge to run away – almost physically – in an attempt to grasp the feeling of freedom before it disappears again. It takes the realisation of ones actual situation to catch up with this emotion to thwart this feeling – the realisation that one is no more free outside the workplace than inside.
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The ‘brother and sister’ music albums ‘Kid A’ and ‘Amnesiac’, by the band Radiohead, sum up these feelings for me. To me, they portray both these scenarios – the intense/claustrophobic work place (Kid A) and the equally troubling, but isolated feeling of being stood outside the place after work (Amnesiac). The intense/claustrophobic work place (the mood produced in Kid A) leaves one screaming for an opening in the doors, whilst the latter (amnesiac and the feeling of outside work) gives a equally unfriendly and unfree feeling, but with the cold/harsh fact that freedom, once taken from one inside the factory, is no longer obtainable outside it.

Saturday, 10 October 2009

On Global warming

Nobody – except those who are young, or luckily ignorant of all News stories – can speculate over the truth of global warming anymore; it’s 100% happening and there is 99% chance the climatic problems are going to get worse. Only those with a faith in religion, that is so blind that they cannot see an ounce of reality, could still argue about whether global warming is happening or not.
I have spells when I worry about the affects of global warming less than I would at other times, but I think this is understandable – it isn’t mentally possibly to concern one’s self with something so massive all of the time, without imploding one’s mental make-up.
However, despite what James Lovelock (founder of the Gaia theory) says (and I disagree with barely anything he says, because he is usually unshakably right) – that we are already too late in our actions to stop runaway climate change – we still must try our best!. For what we may learn and gain from this ‘trying’, both socially and scientifically, will help us to co-exist better as a species, and with the planet. Even if our numbers have greatly diminished at this time, and even if few areas of habitable land remaining (as awful as this would be), what we could have learnt, if we tried our best, could help humanity into a ‘re-birth’ with the planet, a time possibly even free of war, hatred and exploitation.
Of course there is still a hope that events so horrible, such as the death of billions of people, will not come true; but this hope is, sadly, very far from being a certainty. However, even if such bad things were to happen, there is still two roads/two choices humanity can chose from in our attempts to keep our species going in a reasonably civilised state: One, as I have mentioned above, a route that would surely lead to the acceptance of each other in what could be a rightful ‘second chance’ for socialism; or route Two – A third world war; as our nations fight for what remains of the earth’s resources and, therefore, we will have learnt absolutely nothing from the whole event that has been the Anthropecene and the outcome of this: disastrous climate change.

Truth And Tribute (Upcoming Exhibition)

sdads

A two artist tribute to the parallel worlds of the troubled human species and the natural world, through a series of anniversaries marked in the current year; 2009

Anniversaries including the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall and the 30th anniversary of the release of The Wall by Pink Floyd


John Ledger is the representative of the ManmadeBradley sharp is the representative of The Natural


“When man saw himself as separate to nature he began to build walls.

” All Walls must and will eventually fall. Nature, unlike man will always find a way to carry on.

HIVE Gallery, Elsecar Heritage Centre, Wath Road
Near Elsecar train station – between Sheffield and Barnsley.

Opening times
12-4pm, Open Thursday to Sunday
19th November until 13th December

private view: Thursday 19th November 7-9pm

For any further information please contact
ledgefromkec@hotmail.com

End of the wall

End of the wall

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conclusion for my current ‘Looking For Truth’ book

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I have realised that my own walls will never crumble until under extreme personal circumstances, be it a physical injury to slow my manic escapism, or from the more desirable outcome; somebody else wedges themselves between me and my fears. The obsession with one’s self is incubated by these perpetual walls too, and maintains the different compartments of hot and cold rooms, for the constant swing between self love and self hate – as this book shows.

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I believe that medication is not intended for people who think like I do. No medication, which is there – for any citizens to take – to keep the country’s work force up and running, is meant for me, I am no long tern use for the country’s work force. This brings me to my immediate future, if I cannot escape my walls I must use all of my knowledge of them, and the fears that reside within them, to protest, as much as I can, that a humanity that builds walls is a humanity that is doomed to extinction, because anything that tries to to hide and deny the truth will always eventually succumb the rules of entropy. And all walls, between races, tribes, nations and the ones which ‘jail’ nature and imprison it in ever smaller and ‘unsustainable areas, need to be taken down if humanity is going to survive the 21st century, and live on after.

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The World, under Capitalism, is supposed to be the ‘free world’ yet nothing else has built so many walls, implanted so many fears and created so much oppression – in the first world, perpetually, and in the 3rd world, physically. I would not dare to claim that the world would be perfect, or indeed that I would be free if it wasn’t for this system, but the villain in this movie it is!

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These walls, and the general fear of where all this manmade expansion is taking us, laid out the blue print for my own walls in the first place – hammered home by the conformity of High school – and I’ll be damned if I do not not fight these ‘greater’ walls for the rest of my days, until one day when they may ‘no longer be’. Until then I will not rest, not physically or mentally.
As for my art, I do not think it will ever cease, it is the outcome of my dissatisfaction, and why should I not feel satisfied!? A ‘lie in?’ ‘an afternoon watching television?’ when people are dying for standing and residing upon the oil, which supports the comfort of this nation? This is just an example of the routes ‘guilt’ takes me down, but they most certainly ensure that my art work will proceed.

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There is other notable outcomes created by this guilt however. Anorexia is a notable outcome of this guilt, but this guilt comes in many different forms, it is a bombardment, which for a sensitive person, is hard to escape from. Here are some of the contributors to my 10 year old perpetual walls, and especially my eating disorders; Advertisement/celebrity culture (and that includes all musical genres!), Orthodoxy/conformity that smacked one in the face at High School, the ever present un-realised fears about the environment, plus a hereditary tendency for ultra-sensitivity. The modern world is so fast and complex, one feels out of control, the only way they can find control is by enforcing a strict regime upon themselves, my regime began in 1999 (10 years ago).

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Art, as an outlet for protest, runs parallel to these kinds of disorders, both dig their claws into one’s conscious as soon as one even considers ‘taking the day easy’. Even now, my brain is searching for new artwork’s, new routines -to make the day a success – even in protest, the fear of failure embedded in a Consumer society is all conquering.

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So, until the walls, humanity builds, remain, the walls within me will also. For the time-being, the wall is me, I am looking for truth, whilst, at the same time, I know I will not find it anywhere, but right here, the place in which I am so fearful of looking into. I know this, yet I will keep ‘looking for truth’ in places in which it isn’t, and by saying this I have openly declared that I am way too fearful to let go of my walls. My logic knew this back in late December/early January, but the hope, which resides in one’s will, ensures that one spends his life going round in a circle.

Some Words for the Investigation into The Wall

What is the disease and what is me?

What is the ivy and what is the tree?

where does the sky begin

and where does the see?

Where are these barriers

that stop me being free?

11.08.2009

There is still a her who I miss, when my endevours hit a snag. Even if she isn’t identifiable as anybody who exists, or who has ever existed, there is still a her.

I’ve done it again. I’ve let myself slip into such an obsessional production-line of “things I have to do” that I have lost the joy and pride for what I have even made, whilst living in these endless shifts.

Even the music I listen to has been used as a motivational tool for ‘getting stuff done’, and at this moment I can’t even find any music that can satisfy this empty feeling. Also, the books I read are becoming the ‘spectres’ of my obsessive personality, just like when I started collecting retro computer games, aged 19, in a desperate attempt to attempt to un-earth some sense of enjoyment from my childhood at a time when I was rapidly slipping into an anorexic state – only for it to become part of my obsessive patterns.

Why does a glimmer of hope always end up turning into a concrete slab weighing down on me further?