Tying up Loose Ends

“You think too much” and “you are a very negative person” are the two things that have been said to me on occasion over my adult life that make me feel as alone, and that my doings even no purpose, as if somebody had literally just said to me “nobody gets you, you’re on your own with this, and it’s shit all the same”. And they would never say the latter, as these two quips are well-meaning.  What they fail to miss isn’t that intense overthinking isn’t only compulsive, that I’m also not very good at it.

I have often felt lumbered with concerns that are well above my means of digesting and then acting on in a decent way. I have always struggled to read. I had a spell of furious burn-out reading in my 20’s which equipped me with the reasonable writing ability that I ought to have picked up in HE  prior to that. But, largely thanks to increased Internet dependency, I’ve almost stopped reading intelligently altogether.

This is beginning to become apparent to my friends, who have come to expect an opinion on all current affairs from me. What can I say, I’m a charlatan? Sometimes I would genuinely rather talk “who’s better looking than who”, than the dead end of capitalist realism, that transfers this Incapacity into Incapacitated, as a turn to the pub to soften the noise as the night draws in.

Overthinking isn’t a pursuit, it’s a burden around the wrong man’s neck. I think this is why I wanted to tie up a few loose ends from my music making days, when the burden felt have slackened off slightly (the above song is the last I wrote before I fucked it off in 2008).

I’d love to go back to this,one day, rather than have these things wrapped around my neck. Good political journalists, thinkers, activist artists etc  aren’t  beaten down by this shit because they’re equipped. They are strong because they can switch off and focus on pastimes of their choice, as they have been  assigned to a task they’re equipped for. I come across as negative because I’ve ended up forgetting what I actually enjoy in life, tied to things I’m not built for dealing with.


2 responses to “Tying up Loose Ends”

  1. John Ledger says :

    Thanks a lot. It means a lot when I know people know what I’m saying, and don’t mistake it as moaning and groaning

  2. cinira says :

    to me your issues are real, and they are mine also and of others I know as well. I think your narratives of the city are great. they do what a narrative must do, share an experience. I’m always saying thanks to you in my mind when I read a text of yours. thanks for sharing.

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