The Wall by Pink Floyd is MY album
This album is like no other, with the way its delves into the story of a human being trapped behind his own walls.
Ive always known that my fears put up barriers, which have stifled my opportunities of having a better life, but strangely, it was the repetitious listening to a famous album, that I heard for the first time last year, which made me acknowledge my barriers much more.
I have never resonated with an album/piece of music as much as I have with The Wall by Pink Floyd. The first disc of the album describes the constructing of pinks (the individual the album is based upon) perpetual walls – I almost felt jubilant at hearing this first disc, which I only just heard last year, because I found myself smiling to myself, because I could relate so strongly with the fears which had been instilled into pink. For me these fears resulted in me forming compulsive behavioral patterns and eating disorders, which tallied my day up for me like a tick-box – tick, fail, tick, fail, but in the long run it has been one big failure; a failure to be human and to form relationships. Although The Wall album isn’t based on eating disorders as such, it is based on the idea of someone barricading their humanity in, as a result of all the fears which have been instilled into them, resulting in an eventual breakdown.
I am feeling much at this point now. This isn’t saying that I am acting my own life out to an album, because it is inevitable that someone who barricades themselves off will eventually breakdown – also, The Wall is no ordinary album, it is one of the cleverest albums I have ever listened to.
The thing is I’d be lying if I denied the fact that I sometimes find the similarities between my own life and The Wall so strong, that when I’m in a stupor I start to feel that the album was actually written about myself – but this doesn’t had any warmth to the reality of the situation I have found myself in after 10 years of my perpetual walls.
The second disk is about the results of pink barricading himself in, and the realisation of the isolated and troubled situation that it has placed him in. The lyrics in the first track Hey You – ‘But it was only fantasy. The wall was too high as you can see. No matter how he tried He could not break free. And the worms ate into his brain.’ – really sums up the feeling of one who wants to escape his own perpetuals walls, but realises that it is now all he knows – he knows no other way of existing, but behind the rigmaroles of his barriers.
If The Wall could be used as a metaphor for my own life, well I’m pretty much at the point of ‘The Trial’ on disk 2.
In ‘the trial’ pink has come face to face with his demons, as his attempts to get back into the world behind his walls, sent him to a point of extremism where he breakdown and can go no further. In The Wall, pink becomes a maniacal raving fascist – as he starts to blame anybody and everybody for all the problems he sees around him. Ive felt pretty much at a similar point. Not with becoming fascist, but I have become a maniacal raving angry person more so of late (my political extreme as come in the shape of my fears over the failures of our capitalist world to do anything about climate change, and this is helping me become a fascist-like extremist – read my blogs on climate change to see the evidence), as I realise I am heading towards a dead end, and I will have to face all these demons that over the past ten years I have built barricades up to defend my self against.
My routine – which when I was relating my life to the second disk of The Wall, I mentioned about how I know no other way of being now – is really stuck in the mud at the moment. Ive always wanted rid of it, when Ive been forced to stare it in the face, but usually I’d just get back on its tracks, with carrying on running and producing artwork, but living like an automaton – now, however I don’t think it can carry on anymore at all. I am at a dead end, from which I can see no future at the moment, and last night – more than any other night – I demonstrated this to half a pub as I stooped to an all time low.I kinda of always feel like this underneath, but sometimes it boils to the surface.
I am a scatterbrain. I do not see things in a reductionist way, I see everything unfolding in a holistic way – everything happening at one, and everything affecting everything else. So, when things start to go wrong for other people who I am close to, I see this it as a whole; the fact this way of seeing means that when things go wrong for people in my family and my friends, they share the same connected low self-esteem and confidence problems that I have, and when they are humiliated, it is an humiliation of us all, and what we are. This, compiled with my own position, and the fact that alcohol on a night out – a situation that is harder to avoid than it seems – distorts the issues, turning me into something bad, in the only way I know how to be bad – through self-destruction, trying destroy everything that holds me up.
I need to do something about it for good,. but I don’t know what to do, if I tell people ‘Ive made a mess of my life’ they say we; ‘look at your art etc’ but all this is part of the same problem – this all-consuming routine has taken the joy from all my endeavors, but I am now burnt out of my robotic processes. When my routine is falling apart, I – when merrily drunk – can find brief spells of happiness, but that goes and I am left with an enormous amount of self-hate, which does what it only knows how to do; show people that I need to find a way out of this, by showing them my pain, through physical ways which make pain seem more apparent.
My part of the exhibition ‘Truth and Tribute’ (exhibition of the parallel worlds of the trouble human and nature – John Ledger, Bradley Sharp) was all about this, and Ironically, its partly down to the fact that I heard no feedback at all from it – an exhibition which, because of all it covered, meant more to me than anything I have done before – that I have very low morale, which as speed up my final crash. so please, take the time to have to have a look at the photos and writing, thanks.
but, seen as its christmas I’ll add a laugh at the end.
‘Ha ha, I need to thank Roger Waters for being able to describe my life in music before I was even born.
Tear down the wall!!! tear down the wall!!!