Archive | June 2009

The Illusionary Safety Net In The Shape of a Future Girlfriend

At times when I feel I have too much darkness and coldness within me, at times when I feel that my artwork isn’t good enough, I see a woman and I think to myself  “at least I am human, and someone out there may find me attractive for being a mere man, rather than a man with ‘skills’  or ‘talents’ and a well-tuned philosophy.This think is the comfort blanket which I throw around me mostly when I am low on self-esteem. However, as long as it remains merely a comfort blanket, and no more, it does nothing positive; it only incubates my inabilities to embrace, and be close to other members of the human race.

I dream of the physical world whilst putting the physical world into my dream world, magnifying my coldness and indifference to the physical world I dream of embracing with warmth. This is the creation of a feedback loop where I feel cold to the world and bad about myself again, finding myself seeking this mental comfort blanket that only serves to distance me furthermore, or at least maintain the distance.The problem is I am 25 years old now: how many more years can I spend imagining my intimacy with other people, instead of actually doing it?The result is that I enjoy things less and less as the real world becomes less and less like the one I cannot but help build in my head. The world outside is becoming as artificial as the one inside as reality fades more and more as I interact with it less and less.

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