A more rational view on the need for social interaction If i do not manage to write about this, i will throw up from stomach churning regret.
I spend most evening in relative solitude, sometimes i just have to get out at night time.
There is a certain group of females in my home town, who – after several alcoholic drinks – i don’t seem to able to stop being manic and idiotic around, nearly always resulting in me offending one of them, damaging any chance of much wanted friendship on my part. How do i transform from the solitary serious figure, to a manic imbecile?. I am not a man who goes out to ‘pull’ in any way, shape or form, but it is impossible to divert from a natural interest in the fairer sex, and nor should i try to do so. The prospect of social interaction with females expands into a frenzied-hyper mindset, when there is a large number of females i know in close vicinity to each other.
It is an unwanted overload of options for social interaction, which i can only compare to other very modern situations where options become suffocating – such as the person who spends most of his day frantically flicking through the 300 t.v channels, or the shopper who cannot decide from 300 consumer brands. I feel my own case is also a unwilling options indulgence “buy, buy like there’s no tomorrow!”. Of course to label all women as objects to be consumed and bought does sound very unfair and sexist, but in a manner of speaking, it is a matter of fact. The ideas in ‘Brave new World’ of systematic casual sex aren’t completely abstracted from reality. I do my best to stay clear of these trapdoors, but after6 or more quickly drunken alcoholic drinks -consumed in perfect symbiosis with the attitude towards social interactions- any attempts to keep any irrational mindset at bay are always in vain.
One of the reasons i am constantly analyzing society is because this kind of mental mania is possibly more fertile in me, than in many others due to my already compulsive and habitual life mode. I most urgently need to find that illusive balance to the way i approach social interactions and friendships, before the concrete finally sets around the door of the room i make my artwork in. More and more isolation will almost certainly make me redundant of art ideas and artistic motivation (ironically the area of life that i trim my social activities in the name of!).
No matter how the world i so despairingly watch unfolds before me, it should not be allowed to imprison the fact that i am still a living, breathing part of this earth, and will be so even 3 seconds before the annihilation of civilization. As for the irrational stance i continuously press upon myself “i have no place for relationship in my life, mankind is heading into a battle against extinction and there is no time for me to waste on age old customs”, surely the natural relationship of a man and a woman is an essential element of living, if we are to successfully make moves to co-exist with the rest of life on earth once again.
If i want to stop having these increasingly schizoid persona’s on nights out ‘attempting’ to socialize, then i must lower my defenses and allow more interaction with mother Earth. For somebody such as myself – someone who desperately wants a social revolution, towards sustainability. There is a big irony in the idea that one who attacks a system in nearly every thing he does, is one of the ones most conditioned by its way of working.
However, all i can do in the present tense is doubly apologize for the Schizoid pixel-brained doings of my ‘other side’ – the side most people know as ‘John’ or ‘ledge’. I apologize to people all the time, but these apologies are needed. More than anything i need to apologize to the hard working thoughtful side of me, who has been wrongly imprisoned whilst an idiot lives his life for him.