I must apologize to my friends for leaving early on Christmas eve, and showing as much festive spirit as a pocket calculator. On Christmas morning sat in my usual chair, i couldn’t blame my mother for expecting a smile on my face, but i psychically could not raise one!.
I was in no way depressed, just disillusioned and there is a big difference,. To be depressed you have to be unhappy, i feel neither sad or happy, just lost.
This year (2008) has been a strange one. i have ‘had’ to grow up this year, but in doing so, life seems to be a lot quieter. I also have started reading a hell of a lot more, hoping that clarity would dispose of my apathy and confusion which clouds my views and feeds my fears. -so far-reading has made my head more foggy. However it isn’t an option to leave this newly trodden path.
Every year since my mid teens i have found it more and more difficult to get ‘into the groove’ of the festivities at Christmas. Even my most like-minded friends, can loosen up a lot easier than i can. However i will not, and will never accept the label of ‘miserable’ placed upon me. I am very skeptical of what i see, but i never wanted to be like this. I am just never able to switch off – a constant stream of skeptical analysis.
Writing this down always becomes a messy job, because this constant stream of analysis doesn’t display itself in a composed way, my thoughts are all over the place. Ironically i have become Conditioned to exist in a manner very much like the subject areas i am most critical of, my mind is like a pick and mix of spoon fed junk-like an collage of pop music videos.
Due mainly to this confused-yet- aware state of being, i have never been able to draw a line between the personal and the environmental. All the worries blend into one big clump, making me mentally incapable to combat any of them. For someone to say the well used saying “Its not worth worrying about what you cannot change” Just evokes a feeling of despair over our collective mindset. A selfish mindset that has grown from a human displacement from the land we used to occupy . Now we are creatures who live in private cars, personal computers and on mobile phones.
Most people seem to view the ‘overly concerned’ as laughable and idiotic. I am quite sure that -to some- i come across all naive and neurotic when i open my mouth. I am very poor with one to one conversation -except with about 3 individuals. In these situations my points always get diverted into the realms of idiocy and ignorance, by the usual patronizing reactions i receive.
Who can blame these people?, i mean, a problem isn’t a problem until its biting at your ankles is it?. Since 15 years onwards i have been constantly shooting myself in the foot, constantly punishing myself until i actually found I’d drained myself of recreational enjoyments. I became a man with no accessible emotion, except fear.
I am pretty confident that this dilemma would only to be able to be found in the industrialized western world. There is an intolerable, unrivaled strain on the concisenesses of overly concerned middle and working class people in western countries. Rendered useless by their half hearted governments, they(we) are pampered with shiny new gadgets and trinkets that obscure us from the true liberties and essentials in life. It is quite safe even for large corporate companies like the bookstores, Amazon, Borders and Waterstones to sell books that contain text that attacks these companies individually. I have found this out to my dismay, that the more knowledge i gain the more useless i feel.
I find it very difficult to separate a good thing from the underlying negative aspects. Its not very easy to explain thoughts about a new birth in the family, without sounding cold and sensationalistic. But my second and third thoughts after i hear of a birth, are ladened with concerns that these children are entering a human world already showing signs that it is soon going be struggling imensly. I’d love to have a child one day, but how can i justify bringing one into a world where i even have serious doubts whether my generation will live a full life!.
I do not think you have be irrational or be a doom monger to see that the 21st century is going to be a very turbulent century for humankind and that we possibly face our greatest ever test. So there it is, my annual festive cheer-this time in text. A blurred and murky rant, that offers about as much clarity as the World i see from my eyes!.